I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
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Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Every house has this drawer
I would like even faster food.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”