My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
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Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Dear Lord..
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix