Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
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Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
I’m awake but I object,
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.