If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
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Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death