Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
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*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…