Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
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I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.