You should be tunashamed of yourself!
You Might Also Like
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
this is the greatest thing ever
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh