An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
You Might Also Like
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
“I FIXED IT!”
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.