I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
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If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.