Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
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All right stop, coagulate and thicken
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.