*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
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my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
My love language is deader than Latin
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.