You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
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mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Always
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope