I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
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[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
kitchen magnet
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼