What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
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[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
listen closely
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.