Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
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No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job