German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
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Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.