Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
You Might Also Like
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.