Justify your alcoholism by having children.
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How to woo a woman
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
sliding into dms like
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.