If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
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Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Okey dokey.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat