If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
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“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Tony Hawk, age 6
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?