Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
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Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas