I just stopped by to water my horse.
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[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Life hack
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck