I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
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It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Message from the dog groomers
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two