Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
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The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.