Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
You Might Also Like
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
THIS HEADLINE
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day