Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
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[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person