[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
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Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
english majors be like furthermore
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.