Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
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*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it