Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
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If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
thank god
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
yall want some gasoline milk
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.