tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
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Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.