gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
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Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)