English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
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Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
wow
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs