“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
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Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.