Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
You Might Also Like
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Pretty much. 🤣
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
going to the ER y’all need anything
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”