-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
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Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I hope it’s French Onion!
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does