I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
You Might Also Like
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Not all heroes wear capes…
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
who wants to go expliring
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.