Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
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Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
me and who