5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
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I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”