It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
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Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
This could’ve been an email.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine