Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
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Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.