Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
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I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Yoga Matt
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
#ProTip
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.