straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
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I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
NASA has no chill
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
anyone else like Italian cereal
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I put the hot in psychotic.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.