angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
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Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
You deplete me
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.