met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
You Might Also Like
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Cinematography is my passion
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House