GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
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I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
same bro
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.