In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
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I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
OMG 🤣🤣
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.