Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
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Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Did…did a minotaur write this
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I love the National Park Service.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
#Caturday
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Oh thanks BBC.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.