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Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb