Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
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In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Put this video in the Louvre
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.