Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
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After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey